15. on weakness

i’ve been feeling extremely weak lately.

not weak at the knees like when you see someone you really like and your heart is filled with fireworks.

not weak as though you’re old and frail and as we’d say in greece, with one foot in the grave (apparently the english say this too?)

not weak when you’re sad and can’t get out of bed in the morning: no, i haven’t had those in a while.

it’s a different kind of weakness. kind of like fatigue, but not really. i feel as though i may collapse at any moment and if i fall, i won’t be able to get up.

i’ve decided not to mourn for things that have passed anymore. if anything new comes i’ll mourn for it in its time and deal with it properly, but no lamenting, no anguish, no pining over broken dreams: i’ll carry on as we must, we must move forward and we must live.

wales was a very interesting experience; i met some very strange people, i met some very kind people, i saw more green than i thought was real in this world, i met a kindred spirit named anya and i can see in our future that we’ll be great friends; she’s a fellow ghostbuster, a janeite and a christian. i can’t wait for us to join the walking society.

however i did feel alone in wales. everyone was evangelical, and there i stood, an orthodox. they had their own traditions and rules and i could not obey, which made me feel left out. and i disagreed with so many things they said… there is a place for LGBT people in church, there is a place for everyone.

oh, i just want to touch that half moon and if it lets me, i would give it a big hug. it looks so lonely. i wish i could climb up there and live for it and let it adorn my hair and eyelashes and fly out through my limbs like George’s wish for Mary in my favourite Christmas film. and somebody somewhere would lasso it and i’d smile and it would not be as hard.

 

 

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