26. the rippest one

what a way to end your teens, with so much drama. for a while, all that made sense for me was to sit back and wait for life to come to me, rather than chasing after things. to listen to some sad katy perry. to do nothing.

and people came into my life but i kicked the bad ones out; the disgusting one, the one i’ve told you about before, he threatened me. pro tip: don’t date anyone out of pity. he said he hopes my life is “as shitty” as I am. “i hope you find a girlfriend and your dad finds a boyfriend and you all live happily ever after – have fun being my crew’s top meme for the next few years, you little whore”.

and the worst part is that when i received some of his threats & messages… i didn’t even recognise the name. i didn’t remember dating him. he had no effect on me, he was just there and as soon as i could i cut off all ties. i barely remember him, i think my fondest memories of the brief time i dated him were all of his dog. is that too cruel?

my zodiac’s prediction said -‘ in 2017 you will reunite with “the one that got away”‘ and i was quite upset when i read that. because in many ways you were that for me, and whenever veronica plays the song and i sing it i cry and none of them really know. and that song is totally how i feel. that in another life, it would’ve worked out, i would make you stay, and we’d be happy.

don’t worry, i’ve come to terms with it all. i have zero dreams, i know i was never enough. you chose convention and your own mind over everything else and that’s commendable. i’m happy for you and for your future successes.

i refused to be a bella though; i tried socializing, i took day trips far far away, i made new friends. i listened to rap music so loudly in the car and i tried partying. i went on strange double and triple dates with my best friend’s korean boyfriends and their friends and i moved away from home. my mum got a smartphone and we got three new pets.

the dreams refused to go away. they still do. in fact, they’re vivid as ever.

we were at home, the whole family together, when i felt complete again. all the parts of me that were broken seemed to have mended as much as they could. you see, there are wounds that will live within us for always, but time is not our enemy. i ran around and sang and played and joked and i was silly again, dancing around and being myself. i returned to who i’ve always been. i’ll find all those heroes i’ve dreamt of; i’ll prance about giddily, i’ve got many sunrises ahead of me, i know.

i just have to censor myself more and more and more, because that is what they call revenge.

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