i’m a pacifist. so i try to see things from other people’s points of view, no matter how hard it is. or, to be more precise, especially when it’s hard. this blog is not an attempt at slighting anyone, especially the girl i considered my soulmate and best friend, or those in york who find my giddiness annoying, or the mothers who lied to me. it’s a way for me to open up my heart, since i don’t need therapy anymore. if anyone should be offended by the contents of this blog, i wouldn’t know what to do except to say that i don’t have ill feelings towards anybody in this world. only endless love. my works are an extension of anne sexton and the wonderful feminists who pioneered the movement of confessional poetry, and i like being very open with my heart’s contents.
back in november a dear friend told me she heard my name spread around alongside the words “obsessive” & “crazy”. strangers i’ve never met now know me through those words. my heart was instantly crushed, that someone i considered my best friend would say such things. i didn’t believe it, because i still believe the best of her. but then i heard it again, and i knew it must be true.
before that incident – she deleted my youtube channel without my consent, she deleted me from all social media, she asked her friends to delete my friends. she made a choice to never see me again. i lived to feel the pain, despite my overall happiness. but that joy didn’t last long. more family deaths, more family illnesses, and then my own, personal illness. when my doctor assaulted me, who could i talk to? i wanted to talk to my best friend, who would understand. everyone else i spoke to blamed me.
when the endocrinologist tried to get my pulse, she struggled to detect it, and called me a vampire. i chuckled. she told me, “don’t you dare try stupid diets like veganism! that will ruin your health!”. i remembered reading that you’re vegan now, and laughed at a) the twilight reference, b) pupinia stewart’s “10 minutes of meaningless words” video (timeless)
but overall, i don’t blame you. i don’t think you’re ruined my life. i don’t think i changed your life. you did the best you could’ve done. there were unkept promises and i’m still hurting, but i don’t blame you for your happiness as i know you don’t think of my happiness; i’m quite happy, actually, so happy that many stone-cold brits in york hate me for being so cheerful most of the time. i’m an eternal optimist. it’s just this feeling of nostalgia that might never go away, not understanding why things happened as though i’m a Murakami hero; everything’s deleted but i remember everything. “i can never leave you, not just because of who you are but because of how much you need me…” it’s time to face the music. in a way you lied, in another you’re still here, more dead than alive. i miss my best friend – is that too bad?
through everyone’s absence i managed to become strong, so so much stronger than i was last year. my friend a’s best friends all committed suicide together. she’s still here. everyone is fighting a hard battle and mine is no more significant than a’s or anyone else’s. life is full of little tragedies. my dearest friend is moving to korea and i may never see her again, unless she decides to return. seb stopped me in the middle of the staircase to ask me out; i avoided it. my sister broke up with her girlfriend; i will be there for her through everything. i am living through everything with happiness and my job is to help everyone find their happiness. so stay away, if that makes you happiest. i’ll find a way to get over it eventually.
“you seem to have the gift of happiness” “don’t we all have it? somewhere within us?” i do, because i choose it, i choose happiness over everything else every single day. 🙂
PERSUASION by Jane Austen – read it, watch it, love it. feel it. you’ll know.
in the end i think our roles will be reversed, i think you’ll be Anne Perry and I’ll be Hilary Nathan. that doesn’t make things less significant. i don’t understand how the illusion could’ve been entirely my own rather than shared between the two of us, like the label you gave me. but it’s not true. i’ll keep on writing despite having let go, because there is so much of my soul that feels the gaps.
we had a ceilidh… and it was the most exciting time i’ve ever had, to dance with strangers. the bits of stardust we shared were all around, following my every smile. i marvelled at castles and chateaus and i saw fireworks. not the byproduct of drugs, it’s the squirrels i talk to every morning on my way to class. it’s the ducks i have to greet in order to pass through the large field to head to music, it’s the ambition that fuels my being.
it wasn’t all in my head. some of it, chunks, must’ve been real.