30. purple

suddenly they stopped. i turned around to see only a profound, inexorable darkness. that did not surprise me.

i remembered zack, that boy who sang that song about being up in the clouds? who died of cancer a few years ago and became a viral singer before he passed? i wonder how his family are doing. the clouds are indeed, very pretty. when you fly, you give chances to the white and grey. you see how i am, i felt that once, in fiery silence, but my sister’s heart was emptied just as mine was full.

did you get your pilot’s license at night?! i thought, for sure, we’re all going to die. the initial turbulence was terrifying. i flattered myself with ideas, but onegin, you were never real. you’re an amagalm of heroes and winners, made up inside a mad girl’s small head. they say london will be quite sunny today. i’m bringing the sun.

you know, someday i will extend myself so far i’ll reach the sun and no one will see me again. i’ll be at peace with the terrors of earth but you’ll still feel me around, buzzing and knowing. you should realise, this is just a pen, albeit a special opera pen, but a pen nonetheless.

as i wait for my lactose free meal, i press my head on the left side of the window. i still remember my first sunburn, details of that day live within my heart. the fallen kingdom and the lost friendships. i remember going to starbucks once and ordering my usual – only for more and more coincidences to resurface. maybe it’s fate. friends may look at me and think – so very altered! so very, very altered!

the frost of the croatian sea, the worlds greece will find/

one time when my sister and i were much younger, we’d shared a bed for one night, and she says i gripped her so tight and wouldn’t let go, that she couldn’t have expected such a small child to have such strength. i was sleeping at the time and obviously couldn’t have done it consciously, but it’s true, i love my sister and i wouldn’t ever let her go.

one time a boy (who just did very well on The Voice!) asked me if dinosaurs were real or fictional.

so many clouds, one must be on sale, right? my mum loves to swim, so i’ll buy her an island and she’ll swim undisturbed, and i’ll reign above it on my cloud and i’ll keep her company, but never too close. you chose to leave and then you accused me of madness or hatred towards you. it hurts my chest so much, and i know it’s my stupid health and not your fault, but it burns so much. someone who loved you for you and your tics and quirks and bought you moisturisers when you suffered, who wanted to see happiness in your eyes and nothing more. the jealousy, that’s cowardice.

i am time’s jester, i smell of orange trees, and i drink jasmine with a friend, and i like being under that hot shower and washing my hair, it’s so refreshing. the final zip, of months and moths and monsters, is here. but ellie taught me to not believe in goodbyes.


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