that’s why we always wear our hats

i am so much kinder and stronger than i was a year ago.

as we finished our last performance and we scattered around the barn searching for an occupation, something to distract us from the bittersweet feelings. i’d had a double vodka with lemon and i was tipsy; so naturally, I cleaned the dishes and sang Moana.

as minutes pilled onto each other and into dozens, we were back into a solid, black space, no longer our Anatevka. i sighed and thought of how temporary it was. wine. 2000s music. eyeliner; darker. i was more than tipsy at this point, but i got given an award for “the sassiest individual” and the loss opened a dark hole, a footnote, and i felt so loved, simply because i loved, and i loved so much, that i didn’t even have to worry.

vera brittain had seen so much death and felt so much loss that she felt guilt over smiling for the rest of her life, but i like to smile more now and that won’t stop as i grow older.

flowers and congratulations, i should be jealous? but i’m so happy. i don’t care as i would’ve back then, and i’m so fine with that.

and that’s, so, so funny.

i’m so happy, and yet so sad.

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